Category Archives: Notes
My poor little corner of the internet is looking dusty and neglected these days. Things have gotten in the way. I don’t know if I will ever write regularly again, I know enough to not commit to it. However, a little girl I know turned three earlier this month and we can’t just let that momentous occasion pass us by.
This past weekend we rented out the apartment complex’s clubhouse and threw her a Tangled themed birthday bash.
It’s not really guacamole.
Amélie had her first bite of solid food last weekend – really, my kids need to stop growing up already – and we went the slightly less-traditional route. Skipping over rice cereal, we went straight for the green goodness that is avocado. I’m not sure how much she actually got and I think we’re going to wait a little longer before we give her another try. Not that she didn’t like it, but I don’t think she got the whole keeping the food in the mouth and not thrusting it out with her tongue thing.
Lorelei started camp last week. Nothing real fancy, just four hours of playing in the sun and getting wet and making crafts and singing songs, etc, etc.
I bought her a penguin backpack for the occasion and from it’s arrival there were daily demands of “Wear pack bag! Wear pack bag!” (If you correct her and tell her it’s a backpack, I will cut you.) Every morning it’s packed full of diapers (don’t get me started), a change of clothes, another swimsuit, a polka dot beach towel and a lunch. It comes home full of wet swimsuits and dirty clothes. Empty lunchboxes. Tucked in among the wreckage is a new craft, a necklace or a painting. I don’t know what to do with all of these things, but I do know I’m not throwing them out.
She comes home tired and smelling of sweat and sunscreen. She tells me she missed mommy. But she asks to go back.
Stop growing up, kid.
Less than a month left. And that’s if I make it the full forty weeks. Lorelei was ten days early, so I’m not going to count on it. It’s nice that there is a light at the end of this giant-unwieldy-belly-tunnel, but I am not really ready to have another baby. There’s going to be two of them? No way.
We’re slowly inching our way towards preparation. The only thing that’s really left to do is order the last of my diapers and get those prepped. Oh! And there is the slight problem of finding someone to watch Lorelei while I’m at the hospital. One of the downsides to not having any family close by. I’m trying to stay positive and zen-like and hope that everything will work itself out. Okay, I admit that I’m making Brian figure it our so that I don’t have to.
- Weight: 168, gained 28 pounds and approaching the size of a beached whale.
- Measuring: 36.5 weeks
- Cravings: A very large glass of wine. Which has nothing to do with pregnancy and everything to do with the fact that I could really go for some booze right now. ANXIETY!
- Aversions: Cream sauce. Brian was nice enough to make us some pasta with mushroom cream sauce for dinner the other night and I had to stop myself from actually puking it up. It tasted like glue to me. That is not a judgement on Brian’s cooking, but my taste buds have decided to go all crazy these last few weeks.
I must have done something right. Despite all my fears that Lorelei was behind in her speech, the last few months have made me realize that I have absolutely nothing to worry about. Sometimes I even (guiltily) wish for the days when she wasn’t that vocal because OH EM GEE that kid does not stop talking from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to bed – except of course when she decides to scream about something, but that’s another story for another day.
Sometime over the summer, Lorelei learned her numbers from one to ten. It took a little while for her to not skip random numbers but once she did it was a quick jump from that to reading numbers when she saw them on a page (or on a building or on the side of a truck). After numbers we tackled colors. And then shapes. Now we’re on to the alphabet. She’s actually gotten pretty good at recognizing letters, too.
Now, we have added the alphabet song to our repertoire (along with the classics such as “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star,” “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” and “Poker Face”). Behold!
“You’re large and in charge.”
“Because your lady bits are all wonkadoodle.”
My husband, ladies and gentlemen. He really knows how to charm his wife, doesn’t he?
Today was the long anticipated ultrasound to determine my fate. Will there be a c-section in my future?
Well, let’s start at the beginning of my day, shall we? I was awakened at about 3:30 this morning because our asshole of a neighbor does not understand that practicing his guitar in the middle of the night is not socially acceptable. Then I spent the rest of the night tossing and turning and stressing myself out. Although I did manage to doze off for awhile, I was pulled from the bed by the sounds of Lorelei having an epic meltdown over not being allowed to drink out of a plastic water bottle (because it would end up spilled everywhere – history has proven this).
By the time I got to the doctor’s office, I was thankful for the time in the waiting room to read my book in peace (Side note: Do not pick a 700-page book as your first book of the year if you intend to keep your resolution of reading two books a month). And then…and then, about five minutes into my ultrasound, my back really started to bother me. It’s not unusual for my back to bother me but a small change in position will normally do the trick. No such luck today. I crossed my ankles the other way, bent my knees…and then I started to feel hot and sweaty. (I’m such an attractive pregnant woman, aren’t I?) I felt like a crazy person. I was just lying there and I felt like I had just finished a hard workout. Fortunately, my ultrasound tech picked on my discomfort and had me roll on my side.
Other than those few sweaty, nauseated minutes, the ultrasound was surprisingly pleasant and – unlike past experiences – fairly quick. What are the results? Everything’s fine. Three months of anxiety for nothing. I should be thankful for the good news but…
My body is messing with me. After I got the good news at my ultrasound, I had to spend an hour waiting for my regular appointment. And then…then! Guess what? There was protein in my sample and my blood pressure was elevated! Hooray!
Those are not good things. *headdesk*
My doctors have a tendency to be very, “It’s probably not a big deal, nothing to worry about…” when it comes to things like this. Probably because they sense that I tend to have a lot of anxiety. She assured me that since the test they do in the office is pretty basic, it could just be a false positive but with my blood pressure being on the high side – for me, not for a normal person, I usually have the blood pressure of a Buddhist monk – they were going to send another sample out to the lab. So, now…I wait.
- Weight: 163 pounds (23 pounds of weight gain)
- Measuring at: 30 weeks (actually am 32 weeks, 2 days)
- Baby’s Weight: 4 pounds, 5 ounces (40th percentile)
- Cravings: Cottage cheese, discount Christmas chocolates from Aldi, ice cubes (always with the ice cubes)
- Food aversions (they’re back!): Mayonnaise (and that’s a real tragedy).
Checking in. (I might talk about my lady bits, be warned)
Still waiting. One week to go before my ultrasound. I’m not sure how everything will work, but I have my regular OB appointment the same morning so I’m going to hope that I will know what my future holds. Will I be forced into having a medically necessary c-section? Or will I get to actually try for that natural childbirth that I wanted the second time around? I hate being in this holding pattern. I don’t want to do anything or make any plans and it is driving me insane. I know they were waiting to do this ultrasound as long as possible to give my placenta plenty of time to migrate away from my cervix but I’m getting really fucking impatient.
And I have hives. For the second time this pregnancy. I don’t know if I’m having a reaction to something or if it’s just stress-related but I’m getting sick of being itchy all over my entire body.
Now. Where are my ice cubes?
I don’t think that the only time you are allowed to create resolutions – or goals, if you would prefer – is at the beginning of a new year. There are other meaningful times: the start of a new job, the birth of a new child, the beginning of a marriage, a birthday, etc; however, the start of a new calendar is often the time we pick. I like it that way. The pages are still blank, waiting to be filled with parties and appointments, outings and playdates, birthdays and anniversaries. And now it is time to look at my life and come up with a list of things that could make it better.*
This year, because I like make lists and then dividing into subcategories (nerd alert!), I have five areas that I want to work on. (Do I sound like a boring business presentation or what?)
The last few years have not been so great for me health-wise, mentally or physically. Because I’m a stay-at-home mom, because I don’t have family close by, because I don’t have another choice, when I get sick I still have to work. A small cold that what be gone in a few days for most people, lingers with me for weeks because I can’t rest and (because of the whole pregnancy thing) I can’t medicate. My natural state these days seems to be “I don’t feel well,” and that’s not normal and not something that can go on. So this year, I want to focus on the following things:
- See a therapist: For anyone that knows me or has been hanging around my little corner of the internet for long enough, this is really obvious. I have depression. I have anxiety. There are days when they really inhibit my ability to function and to be the kind of wife and mother (and person) I want to be. I have tried therapy before and was not impressed. Unfortunately, I can’t continue to pretend like I can not be on medication and not see a therapist. It isn’t working. Right now, I have the phone number of a counselor that my OB recommends languishing in the depths of my purse and it’s high time I pulled it out, sucked it up and made the call.
- Eat “real” food: I flirted with a gluten-free/grain-free diet a couple years ago and I honestly felt better when I was eating that way. I would like to go back to that, but I know that with a toddler and a newborn, I’m not going to be able to devote the kind of time to cooking that I would like. I would, however, like to eat less processed junk and focus on whole foods and whole grains (real whole grains, not the “made with whole grains” crap). If I have to do the majority of my cooking and baking on the weekends when Brian is home and then put it in the freezer, then that is what I’m going to have to do.
- Exercise: This is kind of on the back burner until after baby girl number two arrives – although I did get prenatal yoga classes as one of my Christmas gifts which I’m pretty excited about – but I need to do something that gets me moving at least three days a week. We have a small fitness center at our apartment complex and I’m hoping (again this will be after I’ve had time to recover post-partum) that I can sneak away after the kids are in bed for a few minutes on the elliptical or lifting weights.
- Greener and Cleaner: I recently made my own laundry detergent. Why I never did this before, I honestly don’t know. Because it has worked so well – even Brian is impressed with how clean our clothes get – it has made me realize that there is no reason not to replace all those expensive cleaning supplies full of who knows what with things like baking soda and vinegar and (gasp!) water that won’t destroy the environment and are better for our health. See, all my goals tie together. A few things I want to make/try/do: liquid hand soap, wool dryer balls, replacing paper towels and swiffer sheets with rags and old t-shirts.
- Organize, organize, organize: On a good day, the apartment can look pretty clean. As long as you don’t open any closet doors or look inside the desk, that is. Because we will soon be a family of four living in a less than 1000 square foot space, it is time to de-clutter and streamline. It’s going to take too long to list all the things I want to accomplish this year, but number one priority is turning the linen closet/dumping ground for random crap into a cleaning supplies and overstock (think things that you buy in large quantities like toilet paper) closet. Priority number two: getting rid of the enormous desk and building something simple with some nice shelves on the wall above it. Stay tuned.
- Decorate: Put some damn pictures on the wall already. Put some curtains up in the living room since the kid keeps breaking slats in the blinds. Get rid of some of the too big furniture in the living room and get another chair so that when people come over they don’t have to sit on the floor.
- Date Nights: What are those? The last time we went out alone was our anniversary. In October. Once a month. Again, this is one of those things that might have to be put on hold immediately post-baby, but we need to make an effort. Even if someone just comes over for a couple hours and we go sit in a coffee shop or wander around Target, we need to be out alone together.
- Weekend Family Time: So often, we play catch up on the weekends. With housework, with errands, with work-work (ahem, Brian). That’s all fine, but I want to go out as a family and do something every weekend. We could go to the zoo or the botanical gardens or to the playground. Or we can stay home and do something as long as it was together as a family. I’m thinking crafts. And yes, I am turning into a crazy craft lady.
- Mommy and Daughter(s) Time: We have fallen into a bit of a rut around here, Lorelei and I. We do have the occasional playdate or storytime to attend, but you will most often find us holed up at home with me slowly losing my mind. I want to make sure that I sign up for (and actually attend) one playdate a week. On the days when there is nothing planned, have a few at-home activities that we can do together that don’t involve plopping down in front of a movie. Sign Lorelei up for a class at a time when Brian will be home to watch the other daughter so we can have time alone together and she won’t feel ignored.
- Write More: This falls into two sub-sub-categories. Write more in this space. You may have noticed that I’ve posted three times this week. It was on purpose. I’ve neglected this little blog of mine because I felt lost in the sea of blogs and felt like no one was out there reading what I wrote. I’ve decided (again, for the thousandth time) that I don’t really care. However, I do want to post regularly. Ideally, everyday but because I know that is just not going to be possible, I’m aiming for three posts during the weekdays and one little post on weekends. The other half is I want to write more for myself. As in, I want to dust off those ambitions of writing fiction and poetry and actually put some work into them.
- Take a Photography Class: Okay, I probably won’t be able to afford an actual class, but I do want to spend some more time this year learning how to really use my camera because there are lots of things I want to work on. Like taking a decent interior shot, for example.
- Get Dressed. Put on real clothes everyday. Exceptions made for: immediately post-partum (duh) and days when I’m planning on doing a lot of cleaning/chores and will not be seen by the general public. Get my hair cut more than once every nine months. Pluck my eyebrows. Put on lip gloss more than once in a blue moon. Get a pedicure at least once this year (because my feet, they are gross). When I think I look better, I feel better. I know it seems horribly superficial but that’s the way it is for me.
- Get my craft on: I’ve been neglecting my knitting. That needs to stop. There are a few other things I want to try my hand at this year, as well.
- Read: I was pretty successful with my goal of reading two books a month this last year, I’m aiming for the same in 2012. Reading a new book is another thing I miss when I don’t do it.
*Despite what I say to the contrary, my life is pretty good; however, there is always room for improvement.
**Also, WordPress did something wonky to my formatting. I don’t know how and I just wrote 1700 words and I don’t feel like trying to find the problem. Ugh.
…and two days, but who’s keeping track. Not me.
Please ignore the weird shadow and facial expression going on in this picture.
So. Not much has changed. I’m still waiting. My ultrasound is in two weeks and then I will finally feel like I can start planning for things. Right now, I’m just munching on ice cubes like it’s going out of style and trying to get a decent night’s sleep.