Monthly Archives: January 2012


Excerpt from The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern*

“It is important [telling stories]…Someone needs to tell those tales. When the battles are fought and won and lost, when the pirates find their treasures and the dragons eat their foes for breakfast with a nice cup of Lapsang souchong, someone needs to tell their bits of overlapping narrative. There’s magic in that. It’s in the listener, and for each and every ear it will be different, and it will affect them in ways they can never predict. From the mundane to the profound. You may tell a tale that takes up residence in someone’s soul, becomes their blood and self and purpose. That tale will move them and drive them and who knows what they might do because of it, because of your words.”

I like to think that that’s why I write. Why I am compelled to tell stories, even if it’s only in my head. Telling stories can be magic. What I say might change someone or help someone. So, even when I feel inadequate and words seem insufficient to explain what is in my heart and mind, I will always write.

*If you believe in magic, or wish you could, read this book now.


33 Weeks

There might also be a bit of a food baby going on in this picture as well since I ate my weight in Mexican food for dinner.

The Alphabet Song

I must have done something right. Despite all my fears that Lorelei was behind in her speech, the last few months have made me realize that I have absolutely nothing to worry about. Sometimes I even (guiltily) wish for the days when she wasn’t that vocal because OH EM GEE that kid does not stop talking from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to bed – except of course when she decides to scream about something, but that’s another story for another day.

Sometime over the summer, Lorelei learned her numbers from one to ten. It took a little while for her to not skip random numbers but once she did it was a quick jump from that to reading numbers when she saw them on a page (or on a building or on the side of a truck). After numbers we tackled colors. And then shapes. Now we’re on to the alphabet. She’s actually gotten pretty good at recognizing letters, too.

Now, we have added the alphabet song to our repertoire (along with the classics such as “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star,” “Itsy Bitsy Spider,” and “Poker Face”). Behold!

32 Weeks

“You’re large and in charge.”

Because your lady bits are all wonkadoodle.”

My husband, ladies and gentlemen. He really knows how to charm his wife, doesn’t he?

Today was the long anticipated ultrasound to determine my fate. Will there be a c-section in my future?

Well, let’s start at the beginning of my day, shall we? I was awakened at about 3:30 this morning because our asshole of a neighbor does not understand that practicing his guitar in the middle of the night is not socially acceptable. Then I spent the rest of the night tossing and turning and stressing myself out. Although I did manage to doze off for awhile, I was pulled from the bed by the sounds of Lorelei having an epic meltdown over not being allowed to drink out of a plastic water bottle (because it would end up spilled everywhere – history has proven this).

By the time I got to the doctor’s office, I was thankful for the time in the waiting room to read my book in peace (Side note: Do not pick a 700-page book as your first book of the year if you intend to keep your resolution of reading two books a month). And then…and then, about five minutes into my ultrasound, my back really started to bother me. It’s not unusual for my back to bother me but  a small change in position will normally do the trick. No such luck today. I crossed my ankles the other way, bent my knees…and then I started to feel hot and sweaty. (I’m such an attractive pregnant woman, aren’t I?) I felt like a crazy person. I was just lying there and I felt like I had just finished a hard workout. Fortunately, my ultrasound tech picked on my discomfort and had me roll on my side.

Other than those few sweaty, nauseated minutes, the ultrasound was surprisingly pleasant and  – unlike past experiences – fairly quick. What are the results? Everything’s fine. Three months of anxiety for nothing. I should be thankful for the good news but…


My body is messing with me. After I got the good news at my ultrasound, I had to spend an hour waiting for my regular appointment. And then…then! Guess what? There was protein in my sample and my blood pressure was elevated! Hooray!

Oh wait.

Those are not good things. *headdesk*

My doctors have a tendency to be very, “It’s probably not a big deal, nothing to worry about…” when it comes to things like this. Probably because they sense that I tend to have a lot of anxiety. She assured me that since the test they do in the office is pretty basic, it could just be a false positive but with my blood pressure being on the high side – for me, not for a normal person, I usually have the blood pressure of a Buddhist monk – they were going to send another sample out to the lab. So, now…I wait.


Vital Statistics:

  • Weight: 163 pounds (23 pounds of weight gain)
  • Measuring at: 30 weeks (actually am 32 weeks, 2 days)
  • Baby’s Weight: 4 pounds, 5 ounces (40th percentile)
  • Cravings: Cottage cheese, discount Christmas chocolates from Aldi, ice cubes (always with the ice cubes)
  • Food aversions (they’re back!): Mayonnaise (and that’s a real tragedy).

New Year’s Day at the Science Center

Look, a plane!

Watching the cars go by

The Science Center is AWESOME!

31 Weeks

Checking in. (I might talk about my lady bits, be warned)

Still waiting. One week to go before my ultrasound. I’m not sure how everything will work, but I have my regular OB appointment the same morning so I’m going to hope that I will know what my future holds. Will I be forced into having a medically necessary c-section? Or will I get to actually try for that natural childbirth that I wanted the second time around? I hate being in this holding pattern. I don’t want to do anything or make any plans and it is driving me insane. I know they were waiting to do this ultrasound as long as possible to give my placenta plenty of time to migrate away from my cervix but I’m getting really fucking impatient.

And I have hives. For the second time this pregnancy. I don’t know if I’m having a reaction to something or if it’s just stress-related but I’m getting sick of being itchy all over my entire body.

Now. Where are my ice cubes?

How to Eat a PB&J Sandwich

According to Lorelei Jane, Age 2

Step One: Crusts must be removed from the sandwich and consumed separately.

Step Two: Sandwich must be cut into small bite-sized squares. If the parental unit dares to give larger portions – for example, a sandwich cut into quarters – as much of it will be shoved into the mouth as possible just to make a point. This travesty will never happen again.

Step Three: Each tiny sandwich square must be pulled apart, as they are eaten.

Step Four: Put one side of the sandwich into mouth. Immediately after that, put in the other. They are absolutely, positively not allowed to enter the mouth at the same time.

The last six months have been extremely difficult in this household when it comes to food. There are a few major issues that we – and I – have really struggled with. Let’s start with the one that is the most fun uncomfortable to talk about:

Issue One: Breastfeeding

Subtitle: Yes, I’m going to talk about my boobs.

I was one of those people. Lorelei was breastfed until she was twenty (maybe twenty-one) months old. It wasn’t a conscious decision. When she was born, I didn’t set out to breastfeed long-term. By the time she was two days old, I was really hoping that I would manage to do it at all. And then I set the goal of one year. One year was a perfectly respectable amount of time, I told myself. The year-mark came and went. While no one was pressuring me to quit breastfeeding, I did get the occasional question about when I was planning on weaning her. Again, I was not out to make any sort of statement so my standard reply was, “She doesn’t seem ready yet.”

On and on it went. Eighteen months came and went. While I still think that she wasn’t ready at that point, it became clear to me that I wasn’t ready yet either. Breastfeeding had become something of a crutch for me. It was an easy way to soothe her, an easy way to put her to sleep for a nap or for bed. It was an easy way for me to feel like she was getting enough to eat. Honestly, the only reason I finally weaned her was because I got myself knocked up again and – although perfectly normal and safe to continue breastfeeding through pregnancy – I had zero interest in that and I knew that it was finally time for the both of us to give up our crutch.

Issue Two: No Separate Meals

I was strongly opposed to the notion of making Lorelei meals – dinner in particular – that were different from the one we were eating. The only time I would make an exception was if I was making something I deemed to difficult for her to eat – think creamy soups and really spicy foods. I firmly believe that giving your child tasteless meals of the average “kid-friendly” variety was the surest way to raise a picky eater. So, she ate what we ate. Unfortunately, this lead to issue number three…

Issue Three: Is She Eating Enough?

Lorelei has always been on the small size. We’re talking from birth. Her weight has always fallen in the 5-10th percentile. Nothing, really, that we should really be concerned about. As our pediatrician reminded us once or twice, neither of us are very large so it seems only natural that she would fall on the smaller end of the spectrum. That, however, does not stop me from feeling extremely paranoid about her gaining enough weight and getting enough to eat. Despite being told on multiple occasions to just provide dinner and then let her eat it or not, I couldn’t really get behind the whole “let her starve” advice. Knowing our luck – and Lorelei’s stubbornness – she would starve before she ate what we put in front of her.

Fortunately, we have found a few strategies that have helped us get over this first round in the great food war (I am sure there are many, many more to come). As I always say, I am not an expert. This is what has worked for us and if you are also in the midst of a food battle, let me tell you now that it will eventually end.

Strategy One: Dress it Up

Lorelei would not eat meat for the longest time. No chicken, no ground beef. Nothing. She even went off eggs for a while. We were at a loss as to how best to get her to eat any sort of protein – thank goodness for good old PB&J and beans (lots of beans) – until we realized she loved sauce. That girl loves Sweet Baby Ray’s. Your toddler might be a ranch dressing or a ketchup kid, but the concept is the same. Whether they like to dip – Lorelei would be more inclined to just lick the plate if we let her dip her own food – or they prefer the food coated in sauciness, dressed up food is always better. Eventually, they won’t need as much or any sauce at all to eat that delicious grilled salmon that you prepared for Christmas Eve dinner. We still keep an ample supply of BBQ sauce in the fridge for emergencies.

Strategy Two: Give Them a Choice

Despite my previous aversion to preparing separate meals, I have recognized the fact that she will not always want to eat what I have mind. Fortunately, we have reached a stage in her development where she knows the words for a lot of the foods we eat and I can offer her a choice. I stick to things that I’m also willing to make and want to eat for dinner. It requires that you have a certain amount of flexibility with your meal plan, but it can lead to a lot less screaming and crying.

Strategy Three: Preparation is Key

Just because they don’t want to eat that green bean doesn’t mean that they don’t like green beans at all. Lorelei likes her vegetables for the most part, but they have to be prepared the right way. For example, green beans will be consumed if they are roasted (fresh) or straight out of the freezer (frozen). Steamed or microwaved from frozen green beans, however, will be spit out immediately. It’s all about trial and error and finding what works and then adjusting your plans accordingly. Or, if all else fails, employ strategy one and throw some sauce on that veggie.

Strategy Four: Blend It

Does your toddler hate fruit? Leafy greens? Milk? Try throwing them all together in a blender and see if they’ll go for that. Lorelei’s favorite snack is a smoothie. Right now we make it with frozen strawberries, frozen spinach, whole milk yogurt, a scoop of applesauce for sweetness and a splash of milk to thin it out. Boom. Snack. And they’re eating vegetables. It doesn’t bother Lorelei (for some reason) that you can see chunks of green in the liquid but if it does bother your little one, try mixed berries, it will hide it better.

Strategy Five: Bribery

Ha. Okay. I know bribery is bad, but sometimes everything else has failed. It’s food she likes, it’s food she’s picked. We’ve tried saucing it up and yet she still won’t eat more than a bite. So we bribe her with a book. That’s right: we will whip out one of her many, many books (usually we even ask her which one she wants) and for each bite or couple of bites we will read the next page. She’s reading (yay!) and she is also eating her dinner. It’s my least favorite strategy and one I’m trying to employ as little as possible, but it works.

If you have stuck with me through this entire treatise on how to get your kid to eat, congratulations! Unfortunately, I don’t have a prize. However, what I would like to know is what has worked for you? I’m sure that there will be a day soon when everything changes and none of these will work, new ideas are always welcome.

Blue Steel

We’re still working on Magnum.

*Photo taken December 13, 2011 at the Missouri Botanical Gardens