Monthly Archives: November 2011
I’m tempted to leave you with just this one picture. It about sums up how I’m feeling: big and uncomfortable and taking up too much space.
At 25 weeks, I still don’t look very pregnant. I get the “Oh, you look great!” and “Still so small!” reactions all the time and, just like with Lorelei, it makes me a little punchy. I know that I’m not that big. I get it. It’s just the way I grow ’em, I guess.
I’ll give you a real picture now.
At my doctor’s appointment last week, I was up 17 pounds – to put that in perspective, I had gained about 10 with Lorelei by this point – which means I’m right on track for the normal 25-30 pound weight gain. Baby girl number two also really likes to kick the doppler.
Something else I learned recently, my insurance no longer fully covers what they call “non-essential” services. Do you want to know what they consider “non-essential?” Blood work and ultrasounds. The only thing they cover completely are the 10 minute office visits that I can often spend 30-45 minutes waiting in an exam room for. It was giving me some serious rage issues when we first learned that all those little bills from the hospital were not sent to us in error. Or really, insurance? That extra $12 to pay for my ultrasound completely was too much for you? What annoys me even more is that, with the exception of my first trimester ultrasound, every single thing I’ve had done is required by my doctor. There is no way they would let me skip any of those tests. Tell me again how that’s “non-essential.” What annoys me the most, if I had not gotten an ultrasound, I would not have found out about my placenta previa. What if Brian and I had *ahem* “relations” not knowing that I shouldn’t be doing that? What would have happened then, Mr Insurance Company? It’s not something I like to dwell on too much. I still don’t know what’s going to happen and I won’t know anymore until my ultrasound in January which my insurance isn’t going to cover completely. Awesome.*
Other things going on the last few weeks: I feel like crap. I sleep like crap. I have tension headaches. I can’t fall asleep because baby girl likes to pick the second I lay down to start her gymnastics routine. Yeah, I’m one big ball of positivity over here.
*I would like to state for the record before anyone says anything, I am very grateful that I have insurance at all. I know that a lot of people don’t and a lot of people can’t afford it. I am lucky. I get that. But since this is a new policy, it came as a bit of a shock to suddenly be getting medical bills in the mail when I didn’t get a single one the entire time I was pregnant with Lorelei. So, yeah. And I can still be pissed about it. So there.
I didn’t – couldn’t – write this letter to you on your actual birthday. It was not a good day for me and it was not what I wanted your second birthday to be. Although I know that you don’t understand the concept of birthdays yet – to you, it was just another day – the last thing I wanted was to find myself slumped against the wall crying my eyes out. (The circumstances of your mother’s moment of weakness is not something I will document here, it is not something I want to remember or talk about ever again.)
But, oh, my darling daughter. You didn’t want to see me unhappy either. As big tears fell, you came up to me and stroked my hair. You said, “Mommy, happy.” You hugged me, throwing yourself against me in the spazzy way of yours, and bent your head towards me so I could kiss your forehead. It made my heart break even more to see how much my sadness can affect you. I guess you are growing into a sensitive soul just like your Mommy.
There have been so many changes this last year and one of my favorite ones is how much more affectionate you are. Everyone – and everything – needs an ug (you are so adorable in your inability to pronounce the letter ‘h’). Mommy needs hugs and kisses. Daddy needs hugs and kisses. You make kissing noises at animals. You hug your stuffed animals and Sesame Street figurines. You make me kiss your toys. I can spend ten minutes telling you to give me hugs and kisses and you will run back and forth across the living room and throw yourself into my lap.
Although, you’ve always been a snuggler, over the last month you have wanted more and more to be with Mommy – Daddy, too. I wonder sometimes if maybe you don’t understand, at least on some level, the you are about to have a baby sister and that things will change. Where I used to be able to just put you in your crib for a nap and you could put yourself to sleep, these days I have to hold you snuggled against me in the rocking chair and sing to you or you won’t sleep. It doesn’t matter how tired you are. I wonder if maybe I should try to break you of this habit but I would rather hold onto my snuggly little baby girl awhile longer. On more than one occasion, I have found myself either in bed or on the couch with you curled against me, your face smushed into the pillow next to mine and the sound of your little baby snores in my ear. I’m not getting any nap, but I get to breathe in the scent of your sweaty toddler head and watch the gentle rise and fall of your chest.
Another one of my favorite things about two year old Lorelei is how much you talk. You always made a lot of noise and baby babbles, but these days I actually understand much of what you say. You know all kinds of animals and the noises they make. You know about cars and trains and planes and buses and boats. You can count (and even read numbers)! I still sometimes have to guess about what you are trying to say, but with each passing day it becomes easier to understand you. My favorite mangled Lorelei words are a-fly (butterfly), lay-bug (ladybug) and unkey (monkey)
Lest you think you are an angel (even though you are perfect), there are moments of frustration. We’re still working on please and thank you and asking for things instead of indiscriminate screaming. Your favorite word is no. I can ask you almost any question and the answer is NO! I’ve head to develop elaborate strategies for leaving the house to avoid any possible tantrums while I run errands. This accounts for the lack of outings we’ve had recently (sorry). Food is a constant struggle for us but we’re getting better – much better than it was even a few months ago.
Some things you love: The movie Cars, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on the television, fruit and yogurt and spinach (HA! tricked you into eating a vegetable!) smoothies, pancakes of any variety, Hedwig the owl, tractors, frilly skirts, making me dance in circles with you.
Some things you hate: Meat of almost any kind (unless it’s fresh roasted chicken or completely smothered in BBQ sauce), getting your nails trimmed, anything being put in your hair, when Daddy has to leave for work (me too), anytime I play music but don’t dance with you.
You are my strange and wonderful little girl.
I will always, always love you (even when I am endlessly frustrated by you),
It has been a day. And I’ll just leave it at that.
Someone I know turned two today, let’s focus on that instead:
(Previous Year: One)
I admit that I’m not any good at playing with Lorelei. I also admit that it is extremely frustrating and makes me feel like a failure.
Here’s my main problem: she doesn’t seem to want to play with me. She likes to play near me. Or she likes to use my body as part of her playing – my thighs make excellent race tracks, apparently. I’ve tried to be more active in her block stacking or in her “cooking,” but she will yell if she doesn’t like what I’m doing. For example, her round blocks are not for stacking they are for pretending to drink from.
So, what am I to do? I make an effort to be in the same room with her and to pay attention when she chatters at me, but I find myself on the computer or reading a book in the rocking chair more often than not. Am I ignoring her? It’s the question that I keep asking myself over and over. I don’t think I’m ignoring her but I can’t help but think that I am. My mind runs around the same path over and over.
Does it get better? When? Is it when she becomes more (coherently) vocal? How do I keep from being bored while at the same time not feel like I’m ignoring my child? And most importantly, how do I keep her from being bored?
I have quite a backlog of photos from the last month since I haven’t much felt like doing anything other than lounging on the couch in the evenings – my prime blogging time – so here’s some stuff from almost a month ago!
The day started out pretty chilly. We also had to park about a mile away from the entrance since the geniuses that schedule events at Forest Park not only had the Scottish Games going on, but some sort of breast cancer awareness walk (it was called the Sista Strut – I didn’t make it up, I swear). We also decided against the stroller since Lorelei has developed an intense dislike of them and I didn’t want to push an empty stroller around all morning. She seems to enjoy riding on her daddy’s shoulders (sometimes) so there’s that.
Lorelei loves owls. I might have mentioned before that her lovey is a stuffed owl named Hedwig. (Side note: She does actually call her that, she just can’t pronounce the ‘H’)
I sometimes think she was meant to be raised on a farm.
After all the animals, we tried to do some of the kids’ activities. She didn’t much feel like coloring. And the mini-golf didn’t interest her (her feelings on the subject have changed since then). The reason being that she spotted this:
Soccer! Imagine her
tantrum disappointment when we had to drag her away to prevent her accidentally getting hit in the head by the other ball that was being kicked around by a surly eight year old.
Unfortunately, we didn’t get to see much of the actual games. No parade of tartans, only a glimpse of the caber toss. (Nap times are not something we mess with.) And despite her unwillingness to try either shepherd’s pie or cornish pasty, I think we managed to have a good time.