Into the Void

Do I matter?

I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately. The monotony of my day-to-day life has me questioning not only my sanity but my value. The dreary midwestern winter is threatening my sunny non-medicated mood with it’s endless days of gray, gray and maybe even grey.

What do I do everyday?

If I wrote it out, every tiny little detail, you would die of boredom. My life revolves around Lorelei and keeping the apartment from becoming a filthy pit. I find myself saying the words poo-poo and pee-pee out loud more than any twenty-eight year old woman should.

Baby girl, did you go poo-poo? I say at least three times a day

Oh! My! God! Please stop banging your blocks on the TV stand, I say firmly. Or perhaps, Stop pulling all of the underwear out of my dresser.

This is my world. This is my choice.

Despite that. Despite knowing that this was what I wanted – really, really wanted – it’s hard.

I don’t have a job outside the home but I work my ass off everyday. I clean up a mess that will just magically reappear ten minutes later. I cook, I research recipes, I read books about food so that I can provide good and healthy meals not only for myself but also for Brian and Lorelei. I’m here, trying to be a better writer – probably failing a lot. And yet…I feel like what I do doesn’t make a difference.

I feel liking I’m talking into a void.

Do I matter?


About Kirsten

Wife, mother, writer and all around knerd. Maker of cookies, scarves and really big messes.

Posted on January 25, 2011, in Musings. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Of course you matter! Being a mother is hard! Some days I too feel like nothing but a housekeeper with a master’s degree. Other days, I see such wonderful moments that remind me why I chose to stay home. I want to be the one to change those diapers, play that game, and teach my kids the right things.
    Sometimes I miss having a big job with a big title but honestly raising the next generation is the biggest job we can do.

  2. Alicia Lewis Finlayson

    The job that you are doing is a very hard one and yes, you matter. Let me tell you a story. Your father-in-law, even though he’s a very nice guy now, was a “handful” (I’ll be nice) when he was a little boy. To make things even harder on my Mom, she had my other brother when Ray was 17 months old. Of course, she had five of us in all, and I don’t for the life of me know how the poor thing did all she did and kept her wits about her. Back to my story……..when Ray was little Mom sent him to his room as punishment for something he’d done. She happened to have a beautiful African Violet that she treasured and nurtured and she had put it in the boys’ bedroom so it could get a certain amount of light. Well, while Ray was in the bedroom being punished, he took a pencil and poked a whole in the middle of each of the leaves on the African Violet. My poor Mom was heartbroken. I do believe that was one of her hardest days spent as a stay-at-home Mom. You are not alone. Some days will be easier than others. You have a career right there in that apartment with your husband and your daughter. You are doing a great job. You matter.

  3. Yes yes yes you matter! Your family will always treasure all the work you do for them, even if they never tell you. I know how much my mom meant to me, even if she was only home part time. And Rich insisted that I stay home because of how much itmeant to him. But yes, some days I feel like I can’t do anything right. Some days I feel like the kids would be happier and I’d be saner if they were all in daycare and I ‘contributed’ more to the finances. And then some days we have a good snuggle or a great hug or they tell me they love me without being prompted and I remember how worth it it is. But yes, winter sucks, and I know my energy and mood are far too dependent on the weather and the season (esp since it’s imposible to get out in the winter and we are all!) You’re a great mom and I’m always impressed with what a good job you do (I mean, you actually have books – on shelves – and furniture – woah). Still wish we could keep you company (though I’ve got a couple of hoodlums here 😉 ).

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