Into the Void
Do I matter?
I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately. The monotony of my day-to-day life has me questioning not only my sanity but my value. The dreary midwestern winter is threatening my sunny non-medicated mood with it’s endless days of gray, gray and maybe even grey.
What do I do everyday?
If I wrote it out, every tiny little detail, you would die of boredom. My life revolves around Lorelei and keeping the apartment from becoming a filthy pit. I find myself saying the words poo-poo and pee-pee out loud more than any twenty-eight year old woman should.
Baby girl, did you go poo-poo? I say at least three times a day
Oh! My! God! Please stop banging your blocks on the TV stand, I say firmly. Or perhaps, Stop pulling all of the underwear out of my dresser.
This is my world. This is my choice.
Despite that. Despite knowing that this was what I wanted – really, really wanted – it’s hard.
I don’t have a job outside the home but I work my ass off everyday. I clean up a mess that will just magically reappear ten minutes later. I cook, I research recipes, I read books about food so that I can provide good and healthy meals not only for myself but also for Brian and Lorelei. I’m here, trying to be a better writer – probably failing a lot. And yet…I feel like what I do doesn’t make a difference.
I feel liking I’m talking into a void.
Do I matter?