Today is day six without antidepressants.

If I had a choice, believe me this is not how I would have wanted to stop taking them. Despite daily calls to both the pharmacy and the doctor’s office, it took nine days to get my prescription refilled. This past Thursday evening, I finally got the call that my medication was available for pick up. I didn’t go in that night because I was tired and just wanted to laze about the apartment in my pajamas – and I don’t take them at night anyway. Friday morning, on the way to story time with Lorelei, I finally got my refill.

And then I didn’t take it.

Honestly, I didn’t have a reason to not take it. Not really. I had planned on downing it with a cup of water before we settled down on the floor in the children’s section. That didn’t happen. Lorelei was in one of her moods. One of her I must run around and investigate everything I see and pull everything off the shelves OH-EM-GEE I’m hyper moods. I spent the ten minutes pre-story time and all of story time trying to get her to settle down for longer than a minute. The pill bottle stayed in the bottom of my bag and by the time we got home it was, once again, too late in the day.

Saturday? Nope. We hit the ground running, trying to accomplish all the chores before Brian left that night, and I didn’t realize I had forgotten (again) until lunchtime. I know this makes me sound really irresponsible but, after a couple of days of interrupted routine, it’s really hard for me to return to normal. (I used to take them, without fail, as part of my morning shower/face washing/tooth brushing ritual.)

I made a probably stupid decision this morning: I’m going to wait one more day – making it a full week – and, if I’m not in a dark hole of depression and self-pity, I will hold off on restarting them until I see my doctor. Note: I am most definitely not a doctor, if you are here looking for advice on quitting antidepressants please don’t listen to me. Consult a licensed professional. I’m serious.

Want to know my reasons?

  1. I was on a pretty high dosage – hence, the total nervous breakdown on Wednesday – and I’m afraid of how my body might react going from nothing to OH MY GOD DRUGS!
  2. I’m afraid of how Lorelei might react. I’m still breast feeding so she gets some of the medication and I realized this morning that maybe part of the reason for her pain in the ass crankiness the last couple of days is because she too is going through withdrawal.
  3. I was crazy productive yesterday and today. I haven’t felt like doing this much work in I can’t remember when.
  4. The fact that Lorelei didn’t want to nap today didn’t bother me nearly as much it used to. (Still bugged me, but I wasn’t as desperate for a nap myself as I usually am.)
  5. I’m almost over the full-body aches. The last few days it’s felt like I have been working out really hard and I hurt in places that I didn’t know it was possible to have soreness. It’s started to ease now and I feel almost human again.

My number one biggest reason for not wanting to start taking them again: I feel.

While I was on medication, I didn’t really have normal emotional responses. Most of my responses were on the darker side of the spectrum. I was really good at crying because I was angry or sad. I was really good at yelling. These last few days, I’ve actually felt happy. There are some really great things going on with people I know and I’ve found myself grinning like an idiot. Or tearing up. But they’re tears of happiness which is a nice change.

I don’t promise that I’m going to be all sunshine and unicorns and rainbows and puppies now, but I am feeling so much better now that I can’t help but be optimistic. Maybe I can figure out a way to live without having to be medicated. Anyone have any suggestions for me on how I can be happy without antidepressants?


About Kirsten

Wife, mother, writer and all around knerd. Maker of cookies, scarves and really big messes.

Posted on January 9, 2011, in Notes and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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