I like to pretend that I’m fooling you. I like to pretend that the demon depression does not have a hold on me. I talk about it sometimes and I admit that I spend a lot of my life fighting to get out of bed. I can have happy days and that’s what I would rather write about.
Today is not one of those days.
Last week, I went to refill my anti-depressants – those little pills that keep me from completely succumbing to the darkness – only to discover that my prescription had “expired.” I still had one refill left, but I was too late. For the last seven days, I (okay, mostly Brian) have been playing phone tag with the pharmacy and my doctor’s office trying to get an extension until I can go in for an appointment three weeks from now. I admit that it’s partially my fault since my appointment was cancelled because the doctor was going to be out of the office and I never got around to rescheduling but still.
Monday morning, I took my last dose.
I’ve missed days before. It’s not fun. In addition to feeling non-functional, I feel sick. Every part of me hurts. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to do anything. I’m going through the motions today. I’ve put on clean clothes and combed my hair. I’ve made lunch for Lorelei and made sure her diaper is dry. I’ve let her cuddle against me as I lay on the sofa and didn’t want to move.
I’m so tired of feeling like this.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m screaming into the void. I’m in a lot of pain but it feels like no one cares. Have I alienated everyone in my life? What can I possibly do or say or change about myself so that I don’t feel so fucking insignificant and alone? How can I make them understand?
I don’t want attention or sympathy. I just want to not feel like no one cares. I want to smile and mean it. I want Lorelei to not have to see my cry.