Sometimes I have to remind myself that I didn’t start writing here for anyone else. I didn’t do it for popularity or monetary gain. I did it for me. I did it because I wanted a place to put down my thoughts. I wanted to be able to look back on my life in five years (or ten) and remember. It was easy in the beginning. I had maybe two regular readers but that didn’t really matter to me.
Then, after Lorelei was born, that changed. I felt completely isolated, one of the few in my group of friends and acquaintances who was a mother. Myself and one other acquaintance from college were the only stay-at-home moms I knew of and we didn’t even live in the same city. I wrote out of desperation. I wrote to feel a connection. It was hard for me, a life-long introvert, but eventually I reached out to a few others in the vast community known as “mommy bloggers.” I joined Twitter and commented on their blogs and tried to feel less alone.
For a few months it was great. There was back and forth, give and take. And then: nothing. Oh sure, occasionally I will get a response from someone, but usually because I was the one making an effort. I get it. I’m not as popular. I’m sure a lot of them have a dozens or hundreds of comments and replies to sift through and mine can get lost. It started bothering me more than I would have liked. One Friday night, I felt so completely depressed about the situation, that I found myself alone in the bathtub crying. I don’t like that person.
Thanksgiving came at possibly the best time for my mental health. I was away from home, staying with my husband’s grandmother and without wireless internet. I couldn’t constantly be checking my e-mail or Twitter or reading blogs. I found that I didn’t really miss it. This week, Brian took a vacation from work and I had no desire to spend all of my time always on my computer. I got to be with my family, putting up Christmas decorations and going to the botanical gardens to take our Christmas pictures.
The longer I was away, the more I stopped caring about it all. I did this for me. I did this for them:
So, yes. I will continue to write here. I will still try to start conversations and find that connection but I will not make it the focus of my life. I have an awesome husband and an amazing daughter. I have family and real life friends that I can count on. If some of my on-line friends do one day become my in real life friends, that’s great. But if not, I will be okay.