Sometimes I have to remind myself that I didn’t start writing here for anyone else.  I didn’t do it for popularity or monetary gain.  I did it for me.  I did it because I wanted a place to put down my thoughts.  I wanted to be able to look back on my life in five years (or ten) and remember.  It was easy in the beginning.  I had maybe two regular readers but that didn’t really matter to me.

Then, after Lorelei was born, that changed.  I felt completely isolated, one of the few in my group of friends and acquaintances who was a mother.  Myself and one other acquaintance from college were the only stay-at-home moms I knew of and we didn’t even live in the same city.  I wrote out of desperation.  I wrote to feel a connection.  It was hard for me, a life-long introvert, but eventually I reached out to a few others in the vast community known as “mommy bloggers.”  I joined Twitter and commented on their blogs and tried to feel less alone.

For a few months it was great.  There was back and forth, give and take.  And then: nothing.  Oh sure, occasionally I will get a response from someone, but usually because I was the one making an effort.  I get it.  I’m not as popular.  I’m sure a lot of them have a dozens or hundreds of comments and replies to sift through and mine can get lost.  It started bothering me more than I would have liked.  One Friday night, I felt so completely depressed about the situation, that I found myself alone in the bathtub crying.  I don’t like that person.

Thanksgiving came at possibly the best time for my mental health.  I was away from home, staying with my husband’s grandmother and without wireless internet.  I couldn’t constantly be checking my e-mail or Twitter or reading blogs.  I found that I didn’t really miss it.  This week, Brian took a vacation from work and I had no desire to spend all of my time always on my computer.  I got to be with my family, putting up Christmas decorations and going to the botanical gardens to take our Christmas pictures.

The longer I was away, the more I stopped caring about it all.  I did this for me.  I did this for them:

So, yes.  I will continue to write here.  I will still try to start conversations and find that connection but I will not make it the focus of my life.  I have an awesome husband and an amazing daughter.  I have family and real life friends that I can count on.  If some of my on-line friends do one day become my in real life friends, that’s great.  But if not, I will be okay.


About Kirsten

Wife, mother, writer and all around knerd. Maker of cookies, scarves and really big messes.

Posted on December 5, 2010, in Musings and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I think I like it more that you do this for you than for me – after all, it’s important for YOU to get these things off your chest.

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