What to Say?
I want to write something. I want to be able to share what has been going on today. But I can’t.
I want to. I want to tell you that I’m mad. I want to tell you that I wanted to yell and throw things and punch holes in the wall.
I want to tell you that I’m sad. I want to tell you that it feels like my head is about to explode from holding back all the tears so that I didn’t break down in front of Lorelei. I want to tell you that I did cry and it didn’t help.
But what would that accomplish? Telling you all these things. I’m mad and sad and feeling so unbelievably shitty, but I can’t tell you why. I’m not really shy about sharing personal details here – and on-line is one of the few places that I’m not shy – but it isn’t really about me. The reason for my mood, the reason I’m mad and sad, has to do with Brian.
And just to be clear, it’s not him.
It’s a little bit him, but mostly in the way he handled the situation. It is not, however, my place to go into details that he probably doesn’t want people to know. That’s fine.
I have spent all day in this rage. I want to talk about it. I want someone to be able to talk me down from the ledge, but I feel like there is no one. I can’t call any of my friends up in the middle of the day and have them come over and keep me company and talk about this. I called my mom, but it didn’t do a whole lot to help (actually made me feel worse, sorry Mom).
Then there’s you, dear Internet. I come here and share my daily life. My struggles with depression, my struggles with parenthood. These are all things that you know. I want to talk about this. I want to write it down. I’m trapped. The words I need to say, I can’t say.
I’m so fucking angry.
In one day, I have been made to feel worse than I have in a very long time. I’m sorry, Internet, I’m in a bad place. Tomorrow will be better.