Finding My Balance

That dark day two weeks ago was one of the worst I’ve had since Lorelei was born – dear Lord, almost a year ago – but since then I have been trying to keep myself from burrowing deeper into my pit of depression.  Everyday, instead of battling with myself to just get out of bed – although that is still a struggle – I tell myself that it will be a good day.  I say it over and over in my head.  It will be good, it will be good, it will be good…

I admit that there are some days that are easier than others.  If Lorelei has slept well the night before and, by extension, I have slept well the night before, it is easy.  I can be up and fed and (every other day) showered and dressed by nine.  I know that seems late, but that’s when I’m dressed, I will have been doing things already.  I just enjoy my time in my bathrobe.  I can go whole hours without wanting to burst into ugly tears.  I might even go a whole day without wanting to yell at Brian.

(Side note: thank goodness for my understanding husband who, most of the time, does not take it personally that I’m being a bitch to him.  It’s just that my frustration gets the better of me and he provides a convenient outlet.  Or punching bag, although not literally.  I’m working on not doing that anymore; however, I know it’s going to take a lot of time.)

This is me.  I’m recommitting myself to a positive attitude.  I’m trying a new thing.  As a self-proclaimed list nerd, I’ve broken out one of the thousand notebooks I own.  Everyday, I write down my menu plan for the day, the things I need to do – errands to run, chores around the house – and then any activities/appointments or calls I need to make.  It seems a little OCD and, for people who juggle work and family and a thousand other things, I’m sure they wish they could organize their days so easily.  But for me, struggling to even get dressed some days, having a list that can be crossed off – even if it’s just “make the bed” – helps more than anything else.

I’m finding my balance.  Sometimes I falter and fall.  Some days, nothing gets crossed off the list.  But the next day, I try again and a few more things are accomplished.  Lorelei has her story time and her crawler class.  We go to the gardens or the play ground.  She’s happy and sometimes that’s all I need to make me feel better.

Now matter how terrible I feel some days, when she smiles at me, I can’t help but smile back.  When she laughs, when I tickle her belly, when she wobbles as she learns to walk, when she chatters “bweeb bweeb weeb.”  I know I’ve made the right decision.  This is where I need to be and though some days are downright painful, I will continue to try my best.

For your amusement, a couple other things:

  1. I found someone else’s lacy thong in the laundry I was folding this morning.  One of the downsides of coin-operated machines in an apartment complex.  That and the pillowcase that went missing and we can’t replace because Target DOESN’T MAKE THEM ANYMORE!
  2. Last night, there was a shriek outside in the parking lot.  This is still a better place to live than where we were before.
  3. Old Navy needs to stop sending me e-mails with NEW! SALES! every single day, I do not need to spend anymore money on clothes for Lorelei.  But, it’s so cute I can’t resist!
  4. I don’t have a forth thing
  5. Or a fifth

Happy Wednesday everyone!

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About Kirsten

Wife, mother, writer and all around knerd. Maker of cookies, scarves and really big messes.

Posted on October 27, 2010, in Musings and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. the thong: that’s HILARIOUS. I wonder what would happen if we put it in someone ELSE’S laundry?

  2. Also, your list is awesome.

  3. If I had the money, I totally put random lace thongs in random people’s dryers in laundry rooms. 🙂

    Well, maybe not… Some people are too suspicious and crazy.

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