Finding My Balance
That dark day two weeks ago was one of the worst I’ve had since Lorelei was born – dear Lord, almost a year ago – but since then I have been trying to keep myself from burrowing deeper into my pit of depression. Everyday, instead of battling with myself to just get out of bed – although that is still a struggle – I tell myself that it will be a good day. I say it over and over in my head. It will be good, it will be good, it will be good…
I admit that there are some days that are easier than others. If Lorelei has slept well the night before and, by extension, I have slept well the night before, it is easy. I can be up and fed and (every other day) showered and dressed by nine. I know that seems late, but that’s when I’m dressed, I will have been doing things already. I just enjoy my time in my bathrobe. I can go whole hours without wanting to burst into ugly tears. I might even go a whole day without wanting to yell at Brian.
(Side note: thank goodness for my understanding husband who, most of the time, does not take it personally that I’m being a bitch to him. It’s just that my frustration gets the better of me and he provides a convenient outlet. Or punching bag, although not literally. I’m working on not doing that anymore; however, I know it’s going to take a lot of time.)
This is me. I’m recommitting myself to a positive attitude. I’m trying a new thing. As a self-proclaimed list nerd, I’ve broken out one of the thousand notebooks I own. Everyday, I write down my menu plan for the day, the things I need to do – errands to run, chores around the house – and then any activities/appointments or calls I need to make. It seems a little OCD and, for people who juggle work and family and a thousand other things, I’m sure they wish they could organize their days so easily. But for me, struggling to even get dressed some days, having a list that can be crossed off – even if it’s just “make the bed” – helps more than anything else.
I’m finding my balance. Sometimes I falter and fall. Some days, nothing gets crossed off the list. But the next day, I try again and a few more things are accomplished. Lorelei has her story time and her crawler class. We go to the gardens or the play ground. She’s happy and sometimes that’s all I need to make me feel better.
Now matter how terrible I feel some days, when she smiles at me, I can’t help but smile back. When she laughs, when I tickle her belly, when she wobbles as she learns to walk, when she chatters “bweeb bweeb weeb.” I know I’ve made the right decision. This is where I need to be and though some days are downright painful, I will continue to try my best.
For your amusement, a couple other things:
- I found someone else’s lacy thong in the laundry I was folding this morning. One of the downsides of coin-operated machines in an apartment complex. That and the pillowcase that went missing and we can’t replace because Target DOESN’T MAKE THEM ANYMORE!
- Last night, there was a shriek outside in the parking lot. This is still a better place to live than where we were before.
- Old Navy needs to stop sending me e-mails with NEW! SALES! every single day, I do not need to spend anymore money on clothes for Lorelei. But, it’s so cute I can’t resist!
- I don’t have a forth thing
- Or a fifth
Happy Wednesday everyone!