It’s just after 8 pm on a Friday night and what am I doing? Other than writing, I mean. I am cleaning up the apartment and doing laundry. Exciting stuff. Unfortunately, it’s completely necessary since I have been a bit lazy this last week. I blame the heat. Honestly, I don’t really mind that I’m at home when so many other people I know are out having a good time since I have never been much of a social butterfly. But some days…
Today, one of the husband’s co-workers asked if we have had a chance to go out just the two of us since the baby was born. The sad truth is that we haven’t. She’s almost eight months, and we haven’t done anything without her. Every once in awhile, I will go out and do something without her, but it’s not the same. Why? you ask. I can’t really figure it out. It’s not that I don’t have a thousand offers from friends (and husband’s co-workers) to babysit for us – I do! – but I’m just really hesitant. Lorelei can be difficult sometimes and I never feel like foisting her crankypants on someone else. People always comment on how well-behaved and happy she is, but they never see her late in the evenings when we’re at home. I get the feeling that I would spend the entire evening out worrying about her and whoever was responsible for her. So, I keep putting it off…
So, I envy the people who are out sans children.
When I got pregnant last year, I wasn’t entirely ready for it. I spent the better part of those nine months in a panic about surviving my impending motherhood. But, after the first month or two of being completely overwhelmed (not that I don’t still have those days), I was already looking forward to having a second baby. Not because I didn’t think Lorelei was perfect, but because she was so perfect. Every time I would look at her, I would imagine having another one. Another tiny little newborn to cuddle. And maybe the next time, I would get to enjoy it more and not be so stressed about everything. I know, however, that now is not the time for another baby. We just moved, we’re trying to get our finances straightened out and we’re cramped enough in this place as it is.
Now, last year when I just found out I was pregnant, I only knew a couple other people my age who had kids. This year, however, it seems as if everyone is pregnant – for the first time, some for the second and one even for the third! – and all I can do is think about how much I envy them. Soon they’re going to be holding a tiny baby and I want that. I want it so much that my ovaries hurt. But I need to remind myself that now is not the time.
I’ve never been very good at not being envious.