This is Me
I know what everyone thinks about me. I can hear tiny whispers of conversation. From friends, from Brian’s coworkers, even my family. The all ask, “Is she working?” And then they seem surprised when the answer is no.
When I was growing up, I never really thought about what I would do when I started having kids. Would I want to continue my career or did I want to stay at home? As I got older, high school maybe, and I began to realize that boys weren’t into the nerdy girls, I figured I would never have to make that decision. No one was going to want to marry me anyway. And then I met Brian. Not to get all sappy and gross, but I always knew that when we had kids, I wanted to be able to stay home and take care of them.
I never judge the women who maintain a career and a family. I am in awe of their ability. I don’t think I could work a full-time job, come home and spend all my evenings and weekends taking care of the kids. I think I would start to resent not having time to myself. Not that I have any now. Fortunately for me, the choice of career over family was made even easier for me by the fact that I didn’t really have a career. I had a job. A job which I hated. A job which made me so stressed out that sometimes I would have to call in sick because I was sleep deprived and having panic attacks (getting up at 3:45 in the morning five days a week will do that to a person).
So, no. I don’t work. And I don’t want to go back. Not anytime soon anyway. There are days when I feel like tearing my hair out because I don’t know how to keep Lorelei entertained all day long. She’s a baby and she can’t really tell me what she wants to do except by crying. But just because I have the occasional bad day does not mean that I want to give up and ship her off to daycare and go back to work. I like being at home. I like doing the stupid boring housewife-y things I do. Making dinner in the crock pot, doing laundry, cleaning up the house. Just because it isn’t a real job, doesn’t mean that I don’t take pride in what I do. I know that she will appreciate the fact that I’m at home just like I appreciated the fact that my mother was a stay at home mom.
My ambitions don’t lie in the corporate world. I would love to just sit here and write. Or become a (better) photographer. Please stop judging me.