This is Me

I know what everyone thinks about me.  I can hear tiny whispers of conversation.  From friends, from Brian’s coworkers, even my family.  The all ask, “Is she working?”  And then they seem surprised when the answer is no.

When I was growing up, I never really thought about what I would do when I started having kids.  Would I want to continue my career or did I want to stay at home?  As I got older, high school maybe, and I began to realize that boys weren’t into the nerdy girls, I figured I would never have to make that decision.  No one was going to want to marry me anyway.  And then I met Brian.  Not to get all sappy and gross, but I always knew that when we had kids, I wanted to be able to stay home and take care of them.

I never judge the women who maintain a career and a family.  I am in awe of their ability.  I don’t think I could work a full-time job, come home and spend all my evenings and weekends taking care of the kids.  I think I would start to resent not having time to myself.  Not that I have any now.  Fortunately for me, the choice of career over family was made even easier for me by the fact that I didn’t really have a career.  I had a job.  A job which I hated.  A job which made me so stressed out that sometimes I would have to call in sick because I was sleep deprived and having panic attacks (getting up at 3:45 in the morning five days a week will do that to a person).

So, no.  I don’t work.  And I don’t want to go back.  Not anytime soon anyway.  There are days when I feel like tearing my hair out because I don’t know how to keep Lorelei entertained all day long.  She’s a baby and she can’t really tell me what she wants to do except by crying.  But just because I have the occasional bad day does not mean that I want to give up and ship her off to daycare and go back to work.  I like being at home.  I like doing the stupid boring housewife-y things I do.  Making dinner in the crock pot, doing laundry, cleaning up the house.  Just because it isn’t a real job, doesn’t mean that I don’t take pride in what I do.  I know that she will appreciate the fact that I’m at home just like I appreciated the fact that my mother was a stay at home mom.

My ambitions don’t lie in the corporate world.  I would love to just sit here and write.  Or become a (better) photographer.  Please stop judging me.


About Kirsten

Wife, mother, writer and all around knerd. Maker of cookies, scarves and really big messes.

Posted on March 23, 2010, in Musings and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Just so you know, I don’t judge you – I think it’s amazing and beautiful that you get to do this. And frankly, I’m just a little bit jealous because I’m never going to have that option. My mom did both – stayed home with us for a long time, then went back to work, and I can tell you that she’s always told me she was so glad she stayed home because she could never get that time back.

    BTW – you do have a real job, running a household is in itself a full time career and hard work.

  2. Coming from the other side, we’re judged too.

    Those judgers can suck it. That’s what I have to say on the matter.

  3. I am just so happy you have made a decision so right for you. I think the “world of work” is particularly brutal right now. Maybe the time you are spending with that wonderful little person, making a household work, and creating a safe center for your family will make the world just a little less brutal, a little less frenetic, and a lot more loving. That’s a career worth putting you heart into!

  4. This is something I never understood – if you’re raising someone else’s child (and getting paid for it), that’s a job. If you’re raising your own child (and managing the house/budget/everything else), apparently that’s not a ‘real’ job and you’re too lazy to get one. I know most people don’t think that, but I’ve heard it too. I struggled with this a LOT (like bordering on depression) when I first started staying home, but now I love it and all I hear is how lucky I am to be home with the kids and how much they’ll appreciate it. Sounds like you’re doing a great job too! 🙂

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