An Open Letter to the People of St Louis
Dear St Louis,
loathe despise hate have generally negative feelings about you. Well. Not you. I like you as a city. You have such wonderful institutions like Companion and the Cupcakery and Mississippi Mud. My library is in an awesome old building and not old in that built in the 70’s way. And then there’s those Cardinals. I can even look past your pathetic excuse for a public transportation system. But there’s just something about you.
1) You have a complete disregard for traffic laws
Now, I have never claimed to be the best driver on the planet and I do speed and, occasionally, I will run a yellow light. But you seem to believe that 70 is not fast enough when the speed limit is 55. Or that 55 is not fast enough when there is still ice on the roads. You tailgate instead of passing until you can’t take it anymore and then you’ll whip around and cut people off. Or you’ll cut people off because you didn’t see the three signs for your off-ramp and have to triple lane change to make it. You run red lights. Like really run them. Not just it was yellow and then it turned red while you were in the intersection but it was red and the two cars in front of you also ran the light.
2) You think the street is a parking lot.
As in, instead of pulling over to the side of the road to drop someone off or wait to pick someone up, you just stop in the middle of the street. Frequently even if there is a space not ten feet away. And then when you see another car pulling up behind you, instead of moving you continue to have an argument with your baby mama in the middle of the street. You pull up at a stop sign and someone will run up to your car (probably to make a drug deal) and you completely disregard the fact that there is someone behind you at the stop sign. Now, I recognize it may seem like we’re in the suburbs because its mostly residences, but we’re not. This is still the city and the streets are too narrow for you to do that.
3) You honk your car horns too much.
Instead of getting out of the car and going up to someone’s house, you honk your horn. Repeatedly. Over a several minute period. Did you ever thank that perhaps they weren’t home or didn’t know it was them you were honking for? Perhaps you should just knock on their door.
4) You have arguments in the middle of the street.
Sometimes late at night. Like 3 in the morning late. Much like your car honking, is it really necessary to do this outside on your front porch or in the street? Wouldn’t it be better to go inside and fight with your baby mama.
5) You think it’s okay to blast your car stereo late into the night while your friends hang out in their front yard smoking weed.
I’ve told you this before. But not everyone likes rap music and not everyone wants it blasted at them from a car that is parked less than twenty feet from their house. And we especially don’t like it when you do it until midnight or later. And I can smell your weed. Seriously. Go inside and do that.
6) You invented Imo’s.
Seriously. That is the most disgusting pizza on the face of the planet. It is a sin against nature. Why would you do such a thing?
So I hope you’ll understand St Louis that I can only ever consider myself a temporary resident. I don’t think it’s wise for us to pursue a long term relationship since you and I both know I will always be on the look out for something better. I hope this doesn’t ruin our friendship.