There Are Moments

There are moments when I am paralyzed with fear. Oh my God, what have I gotten myself into? There are moments when I wish with all my might that I could rewind the last year because I am so not ready to be a mother. What the hell am I doing? I’m not working – a fact that I am sure many other mothers out there would damn me for – but I still find it hard to juggle everything. How do I take care of an infant and keep house and keep doing the things I love to do? I can count on one hand the number of hours I’ve had to myself since she was born. The longest stretch was when I went for a massage – with travel time a grand total of 2 hours – and I honestly felt guilty about it.

There are moments where I don’t feel like myself anymore. As if the only thing I am is a mother. I don’t want to deny that part of myself, and I recognize that being a mother is going to be huge part of my life. But that’s not all I am. I am a woman who loves to read, who loves to write, who loves to take photographs. A woman who loves to play stupid video games with her husband, who loves to watch stupid movies. Someone who loves to sit quietly with a cup of coffee (or tea) in a quiet coffee shop somewhere with a book or a laptop. Those things that I love don’t seem to fit in anymore.

I knew that it would be like this. I knew that I would have a much harder time adjusting than a lot of other women but this last week has been one of the roughest yet. I hide it pretty well I think. From everyone except for Brian. But sometimes I think he doesn’t know how hard it is for me. I cry.

Then there are these moments which make it all worth it. Which remind me how much I love baby Lorelei and how I couldn’t imagine my life being any different. It’s just going to take me some time.


About Kirsten

Wife, mother, writer and all around knerd. Maker of cookies, scarves and really big messes.

Posted on January 15, 2010, in Musings and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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