There are moments when I am paralyzed with fear. Oh my God, what have I gotten myself into? There are moments when I wish with all my might that I could rewind the last year because I am so not ready to be a mother. What the hell am I doing? I’m not working – a fact that I am sure many other mothers out there would damn me for – but I still find it hard to juggle everything. How do I take care of an infant and keep house and keep doing the things I love to do? I can count on one hand the number of hours I’ve had to myself since she was born. The longest stretch was when I went for a massage – with travel time a grand total of 2 hours – and I honestly felt guilty about it.
There are moments where I don’t feel like myself anymore. As if the only thing I am is a mother. I don’t want to deny that part of myself, and I recognize that being a mother is going to be huge part of my life. But that’s not all I am. I am a woman who loves to read, who loves to write, who loves to take photographs. A woman who loves to play stupid video games with her husband, who loves to watch stupid movies. Someone who loves to sit quietly with a cup of coffee (or tea) in a quiet coffee shop somewhere with a book or a laptop. Those things that I love don’t seem to fit in anymore.
I knew that it would be like this. I knew that I would have a much harder time adjusting than a lot of other women but this last week has been one of the roughest yet. I hide it pretty well I think. From everyone except for Brian. But sometimes I think he doesn’t know how hard it is for me. I cry.
Then there are these moments which make it all worth it. Which remind me how much I love baby Lorelei and how I couldn’t imagine my life being any different. It’s just going to take me some time.