Monthly Archives: November 2009
…or the things you never learn from the movies.
- Apparently, food poisoning can send you into labor. I ate a bad can of soup Thursday night, threw up and then started having frequent if somewhat irregular contractions.
- Pregnancy assessment is the devil. I was there Friday night with contractions about 4 minutes apart but got sent home because there hadn’t been any change in my cervix since I had gotten there. And then on Saturday, when we went back and my contractions had gotten worse, they tried to send me home twice but I refused because I think I knew it was going to be that night.
- Also, how depressing is pregnancy assessment? It’s a tiny room with a very uncomfortable bed that has extremely sketchy floral wallpaper.
- When they break your water, did you know that it feels like you peed yourself? And then during subsequent contractions it continues to feel like your peeing yourself?
- No matter how badly I didn’t want to get an epidural (another random fact, they have to give you a catheter when you get an epidural because not only can you not feel your legs but you also have no concept of whether or not you need to pee), when I was screaming in pain because oh my god this whole breathing through a contraction shit is not working, I will break down.
- Fifteen minutes after they finished giving me the epidural – which they had to do twice because the anesthesiologist didn’t place it quite right the first time – I was fully dilated and ready to push. What. The. Fuck? Didn’t even have a time to give me a catheter. Yes! Those things freak me out.
- That whole you push for like twenty minutes and then your done is a complete lie. I pushed for approximately two and a half hours. It was probably made harder because I couldn’t feel anything from the waist down except for some horrible pressure in my hips and the urge to poop myself.
- It was all worth it. At 2:24 am on November 8th, Lorelei Jane was brought into the world and she is perfect.
The weird and, let’s face it, annoying part of being pregnant is that suddenly a woman’s body is public property. Everyone is always up in your business and strangers think it’s totally okay to touch your stomach. Now, I don’t mind too much when people touch me if I know them. Husband? He better like touching my stomach or he’s gonna get punched. Friends? Naturally. Former co-workers? Sure, I guess. My baristas at Borders? Well, I’m pretty attached to them since they are the providers of caffeine; so, if they really wanted to. Random strangers in the mall? Absolutely not. Fortunately this only happened once and, at least, she only rubbed my arm and said how good I looked and didn’t touch my stomach but still. Not. Okay.
The questions I ask:
- What do giraffes look like when they hiccup?
- Do you think a giraffe burp will lose steam half way up the neck so all you hear is a tiny *brap*?
- How do elephants blow their nose? Do you think they stick their trunk in their mouth and then suck the snot out?
- If an elephant trumpets and snot comes out accidentally hitting his elephant buddy, do you think they get into a snot fight?